The Art of Stalking: Part II

Stalk  /stȯk/ : To follow and/or spy on someone you have feelings for. Those feelings need not be of a kind and loving nature. People who stalk are usually obsessed with the stalkee.

It is interesting that stalking is a huge part of dating. It sounds creepy, but you all know you do it. With Facebook, Instagram, Spotify, Blogs and Twitter it has become more than easy to check out that guy in your English class who is too hipster for his own good. But you still think he's hot because he wears gingham-collared shirts and black skinny ties, listened to Imagine Dragons before you even knew who they were, uses the Nashville filter on his Instagrams of him playing with his nieces, has the most creative hashtags (#cantwaittobeadad), and supports Jef Holm and People Water. 

My Story

I was dating a boy again who I had dated about six months earlier. We had met in one of my classes and would walk to our next class together afterwords. We stopped dating and both moved on to the next good thing that came up.

When we started dating again, he told me the most interesting story...

He met a girl a few months after we parted ways the first time, and started dating her. A few weeks in, she started to be really clingy and needy-- which no one is a fan of. He decided he needed to break up with her so they went on a drive.

In her hopes to be "cute" she told him that before they had ever met she would follow him from one of his classes. "You were walking with another girl and would have the most intelligent conversations. I thought you were so cute."

He did not think this was entirely flattering, but a little stalkerish. Maybe if they had gotten married later she could have been like, "Husband- I used to follow you and I thought you were so cute before I even knew you" and that could have cute potential. 

Because of her 'cute stalking', he didn't have the guts to break up with her that night. 

He told me this story, and immediately I said, "She was stalking us, huh! We were the ones that she followed!" We both laughed and gave ourselves a nice pat on the back for engaging in such intelligent conversation that apparently catches the eye of our fellow peers.

Warm Up Girl

The other day I was talking to my mother about my dating life. It is always a fun topic to talk with my mom about because I always get her perspective on the boys I go out with. The bonus is that her past dating experiences trickle into the conversation. It's good to know that my mom was a hot commodity in college.  

I was telling her about my track record-- because it's a pretty great one. Great for others, maybe not so much for me. So here is what it is:

Over the last year and a half I'd say about 85% or more of the guys I have even remotely "dated" have either

a) gotten a girlfriend
b) gotten a wife

                                  right after dating me.

While telling my mom this, she told me I was a "Warm Up Girl". Just warming all of the boys up for real, serious relationships. We decided I could make a VERY successful business out of this.

Are you sick of being single? 

Is the Provo push for marriage getting to you?

Does dating suck?

Well I have a solution for you!

I am the Warm Up Girl, and I am here to help!

With an 85% success rate, the next girl you start dating

after dating me will become your S.O. 
(to varying degrees).

Call for your a free trial/date! 

The Warm Up Girl
 Warming you up to meet the love of your life. 

Sounds pretty appealing to me. Maybe I'll look into that. Anyone interested? 

Things you should never...

hear on a first date.

But there is a chance you may hear some of these while living in Happy Valley.

1. I can feel your testimony when you smile.
2. I have anger management issues and I would punch holes in walls in my teens.
3. Waiter, could you split the check?
4. Now we're going to see the Texas Chainsaw Massacre. 
5. I went through a legit gothic stage. I'd use black sharpie to color in my nails.
6. I was AP on my mission.
7. You're way more funny than my ex-boyfriend. 
8. I have a missionary. 
9. When is the last time you bore your testimony? 
10. I really want to get married. 

The Art of Stalking: Part I

Stalking has lost it's true art form because it has almost become too easy with social media. Where did all of the girls go who cut off that guy's lock of hair while he was sleeping in class? Where did all of the boys go who watched his crush during her track meet without anyone knowing? Now that is real, old time, high school stalking back in the day when they did it the right way. The good stuff that you see in old films, or your dad tells you he did when he was a young lad. Then there is the "college-age and over" old time stalking. Now that just gets weird if you ask me. I mean, look at this....

They even had a book about it. This is from the 1950's. 

Then it became a real magazine for men entitled "The Girl Watcher". With tips and advice on how to snatch up any girl you wanted. 

I was shocked when I saw this. How could this be for real? That picture is of a man pulling a girls hair (a big "no no" in any circumstance) and then the other is of him throwing her over his shoulder like a sac of potatoes. I guess it was in the 50s... but still! I thought these men had class, but apparently they still had trouble dealing with their feelings.

Here's one of my most favorite segments from this particular article.  (Please sense my sarcasm.)

I don't even know how to comment on this. It's just... a little for much for me to handle. The feminist in me is coming out. So insert your own comment here (or below if you really want me to read your comment): ___________________________________________________. 

Okay... Moving on. 

My story is a combination of new-age FB stalking, and a little bit of your good old time face-to-face stuff. You know, the kind above that really classifies one as a creepy stalker. 

It starts out one Fall Semester when I was in a lab for one of my classes. This lab was huge and had way too many students in it, so I didn't know very many people. I had a Facebook friend request from a guy in my class at the end of the semester. I knew of him because of this class and our same majors, but had never talked to him in my life. I accepted because of this reason, and didn't think too much harm could come from it. Now looking back, I'm going to be a little more picky with who I let me by Facebook friend. Once I accepted he started liking my posts and pictures, and even commenting on a few things here and there. I thought it was a little strange because I seriously didn't know him at all, but didn't think too much of it besides that.

Nine months later... (yes, nine) I get a message on Facebook from this young man. I was very surprised by this because like I said before... I've never talked to this kid in my life. He asked if he could interview me for one of his classes. It was for extra credit. I accepted, just to be nice and to do a favor for a good ol' Facebook friend. I felt a little uncomfortable with this because he was a sort of awkward about it but he set up a time and a place, and we met.

We sat down and there was this super uncomfortable bubble around us. The worst part of it was that I was stuck in this bubble for the next while. I hoped it wouldn't be too long so I could skedaddle out of there ASAP. We started with some awkward small talk, and I could tell he felt a little antsy. He pulled out a typed up list of 20 questions to ask me. He seemed very prepared for this whole entire interview... a little too prepared that it seemed over bearing.  After the questions were over he told me about a conference call over at our school with a company that I had interned with over the summer. I really wanted to go, so I did. Unfortunately he wanted to go too.  

After the conference, I went and talked to the Professor. The guy had already left the room and I thought "phew, I don't have to talk to him".   I walked out of the class, and guess who was standing outside waiting for me. Yup. Our good friend the interviewer. I thought I was off the hook, but obviously I thought wrong. He walked up to me and said,

"Hey, I need to talk to you."

          "Okay...."

"But we need to go outside."

We proceeded to go outside and I am pretty sure I wanted to be anywhere else but with this guy. I felt super uncomfortable, especially the way he was going about doing all of this. I racked my brain wondering what he possibly had to talk to me about. 

"So, I have a confession... (dun dun dun....) That interview was completely made up. I just wanted an excuse to talk to you in person."

THIS IS FOR REAL. I about died. As he elaborated on his confession I completely tuned him out because I was in shock! I had NO idea how I was supposed to respond to him and I was even more weirded out at the fact that he planned a FAKE interview just to talk to me. I was living one of those crazy stories you hear from your roommates, roommates, roommate.  After a few minutes of his bantering, it was finally my turn to chime in. 

There are only a few times in life where a girl is allowed to lie to a guy and tell him she is dating someone, when she really is not. This is one of those times.

I said, "Okay, this is really weird. I'm actually dating someone right now, so this puts me in an uncomfortable situation. I'm flattered and all, but I am not comfortable with this. I have to go."

So I went. 

I got back to work to find this message from him on Facebook (and then I responded). 

(Names have been blacked out for confidentiality)

I just didn't have the heart to tell him that I wasn't really dating someone and that it was for his stalker ways.... 

Let's just talk about a few things for a minute. 

First off... this whole thing is weird because we still had never talked to each other face to face until this interview. 

Secondly, if a guy seriously has a preconceived plan to fake an interview because he doesn't have the guts to truly ask you out... then he may have just lost his man card. I know, I know... asking girls out is scary. But come on, guys. His "creative ways" were just taken too far into the creepy zone.  

Thirdly, where in the right mind of the male population did someone tell him this was okay to do? I would've hoped his roommates could have given him some manly advice and said "Not cool, bro. Not cool" before he went ahead with the deed. 


As I am walking out from work, I get a text from him (this guy never gives up.)

          If you weren't dating anyone, would you go out with me?

I obviously didn't text back. So an hour later, I got this text:

                        That text was sent by my roommate. Haha my bad.
                           (Yeah right that was your roommate.) 


Here's to "tiny mistakes", losing man cards, and stalking at it's finest. 

Sleeping Beauty

My sophomore year, like most Provo girls that experience the great missionary migration, I was down for any date I could get. When a coworker asked if I was interest in a blind date with her newly returned missionary she knew, I was down like a frown. She warned me that he was "fun-size" but a really good kid.

When he called later that week, conversation came easily and I started to really look forward to meeting him. It seemed great because he had actually PLANNED something. Called me AHEAD of time, and hadn't mentioned his mission ONCE! Winner!
             No. Not a winner. 

When I opened the door that Friday night, we were eye level. Not a big deal, but it's no fun when all future hopes of tip-toe kisses die before you even say hi. 

He opens the door and we head out, and again conversation was easy! He even makes me laugh a couple of times which is not the easiest thing to do. We meet up with the friend that set us up and her date and sit down for dinner. After introductions, I get up to use the lady's room. As I turn the corner, I hear my date ask my coworker, "What's her name again?"

           Yes. He forgot my name.

My pride was shattered. (I might have "accidentally" stepped on his toes when I came back.)

But the rest of dinner was nothing special. It was obvious to me that this was going to be a first/last date for us. We parted ways with the other couple for our activity. His roommates had claimed the apartment TV that night so he grabbed a projector and set up a little drive in movie for us near Vivian Park.

He brought a good movie which I had already seen. It wasn't long until I had nodded off.

Keep in mind that:
          a) We had just met
          b) He forgot my name not 2 hours before
          c) We are not cuddling for holding hands

So when I woke up to his hot, spit covered lips on mine, TRUST me-- I was not a happy camper. I was so shocked, I just pulled away and said, "Excuse me, but I'm sleeping."  (Really biting remarks never come when you need them.)

Anyway, the rest of the night was pretty awkward. He dropped me off without getting out of the car. We both said "sorry" instead of "goodbye". It was the last I saw of him, but at least I know I'm Sleeping Beauty!

I would like to give a shout out to my good friend Rayo for creating my heading for this blog. She has inspiring creativity and photography.  Check out her blog here, and see what she's all about. :) THANK YOU!!!

Per-diddle.

What are the worst sort of dates?

That question has an easy answer. Blind dates.

I have learned to say "NO" when your old Young Women's leader asks if her nephew can ask you out because he "just got off of his mission and needs to be more social." You didn't know that before his mission he wasn't social. That calls for one awkward night, let me tell you. 

My parents met on a blind date, so I can't discriminate against them all because they do work sometimes. And sometimes your friends really do know the sort of people you are into. But 89.99% of the blind dates I have been on are ones that I prefer not to remember. 

Except for this one. Because it's just too great of a story not to tell. 

I was set up with a Utah-foreigner on a crisp October night. He got me from my apartment and opened my car door. Very gentlemanly. When we got in the car, he told me that we were playing a game. The game was Per-diddle. You know, when you see a burnt out head light or run a yellow light you hit the ceiling of the car yelling "PER DIDDLE" before the other person in the car? Yes. That game. He also mentioned that whoever wins at the end of the night gets to give the other person whatever they want.

                                                           **Remember Per-diddle**

Innocent flirting, right? Well, that's what innocent me thought.

           He won. Of course, he won.

After our group activity, we headed back to my house to watch a movie. I have a living room with two large couches. There were 4 couples, two on each couch. We sat on the couch with his special  blanket that he brought from all the way from his out-of-state home. (That has no relevance to the story, it was just weird because we were at my house with a plethora of blankets). I wondered (like every girl does) if he would make a move. I was sort of indifferent if he did or not. The date this far had been fun, but I probably would never see him again. I sat with my hand in clear view if he was daring enough to make the first move and grab it. 

He wasn't. 

I could see him glancing at my hand a lot-- but no moves. Instead he said, "Are you good at hand massages? It just hurts so bad right here and here," pointing to his hand and forearm.

I did an internal 'eye roll', and thought "Did he really just say that to me? He really just used that line on me to hold my hand, didn't he?"  Apparently, some people still use those lines. I thought that had ended when I graduated high school. 

Deciding to play along with his games and told him I was alright at them, and proceeded to rub. It didn't take too long for him to just hold my hand.... Shoulda done that in the first place, dude. 

OK... so we continue to sit there, in a room full of other couples, watching a movie, holding hands. He turns to me again and says,

"Guess what I just remembered?"

           "What?" 

"I won Per-Diddle. You know what that means?"  (I told you to remember Per-Diddle.)

I knew exactly that that meant. I owed him something. But I played stupid, just to see where this was going (bad idea on my part).

           "No, what does it mean?" I asked.

"You owe me something." 

           "Well, what do you want?" (also a bad idea on my part to say this)

"I'll think about it and let you know."

I racked my brain, wondering what he would as for, but I figured it was a first date and I'd most likely never see him again so not too much damage could be done.

I was innocently watching the movie when he turned to me and said,

          "I know what I want now. But I can't tell you, I have to show you."

Before I had ANY time to think about what was said, in one fell swoop he planted a nice juicy one on me. There were about 10 things screaming in my head at this moment such as--
     1. We are in a room with 6 other people, how can they not be seeing this right now?
     2. What if my parents walk in?
     3. Why the freak is he kissing me? I have known him less than 24 hours.
     4. I think I am kissing a dead fish. Why is he not moving?
     5. I did NOT see that coming. How did I not see that coming?
     6. I had no time to even turn my head.
     7. Why is he still trying to kiss me? His lips are not moving.
     8. I guess I'll make the best of this situation.
     9. This is the worst.
    10. This is also the definition of classy kissing. NOT. No brownie points for you, dude.

Finally after a few seconds, I couldn't take it anymore so I pulled away. It was a little hard to do because I couldn't pull backwards. You see, my head was already in the couch and that just didn't work. But somehow, my friends, I was able to get out.  I sat there in shock wondering what had just happened. He sat back with a sly smile on his face.

After about 15 more minutes of the movie he pipes in again and says,

           "I just can't take it anymore."

"What, all of the people dying in the movie?"  (Lots of people died, okay?)

He then laughs, and swoops in for ANOTHER kiss! ANOTHER ONE! I was again, in shock thinking there was no way this kid is trying to kiss me again. I pulled away, again. Hoping and praying he wouldn't try again.

Oh, but this guy was a go-getter. 

A bit later, he kissed me again and I quickly pulled away the third time. They say third times a charm, but there was nothing charming about the third time. Or the second. Or the first.

I quickly learned this guy did not care we were in a room of people, or that this was our first date and he'd never see me again. I learned that the evenings 'events' had all been pre-planned, and that he was a smooth-talker.

After leaving my house that night (with no goodbye kisses, thank the heavens) he sent me cheesy texts about how great he thought I was, and I told him how un-classy and un-gentlemanly I thought he was.

Don't worry, everyone. He got the picture that I did not appreciate his actions. 

Loud and Clear. 

To top this story off, I later found out from his good friend that every trip to Utah he makes, he plans on getting the Wasatch Special.

That was the first and last time I'd ever be anyone's Wasatch Special.